My sexless marriage: ‘If we never had sex again, I’d be fine with that’

Experts say intimacy is what holds a relationship together – yet for a growing number of couples, a sex-free marriage is the norm

Couples who have been together for more than a few years tend to make light of the fact that their sex life is next to non-existent. “Since we had kids, we don’t bother with that stuff,” is the sort of flip remark married folk are used to making in public. Sure, not many of us keep up the heady pace of a relationship’s early days as we head towards middle age. But if we believe the plethora of confessionals on popular online forums (check out the ‘Dead Bedrooms’ sub Reddit or any number of posts on Mumsnet) the entirely sexless marriage is a very real – and growing – trend.
A survey conducted by the advertising agency Raison d’être revealed that 43.9 per cent of 4,000 respondents were in sexless marriages. Whether you regard it as a “problem” or not depends on perspective: “If it’s a case of circumstances getting in the way and stopping you from having sex for a month, it’s not a big deal and things will probably get back on track,” says Relate counsellor Simone Bose. “The problems arise when there is an ongoing mismatch in desire. If one half of the couple has lost all interest in sex and the other hasn’t, it can threaten a relationship.”
Caroline*, 45, has been married to her partner for 17 years. “For the first few years of our marriage, we had sex most days,” she says. “Then, about three years ago, we stopped having sex completely. We don’t argue, we get along with each other day to day, we are good parents to our two children. But if we never had sex ever again, I’d be fine with that.”
So how does a couple go from daily romps to complete abstinence? “In my case, I started to feel differently about myself after I had kids,” says Caroline. “I put on a bit of weight and felt less attractive. I was tired and stressed a lot of the time. The more I avoided sex, the more my husband sniped, made sarcastic remarks and started to resent me. In turn, that made us emotionally disengage which made me even less interested in having sex with him. I appreciate how it must be difficult for him. I have even indicated that, if he were to have a one-night stand with someone else, I would probably be okay with that.”
Yet according to Clio Wood, the author of Get Your Mojo Back – Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy After Birth, men are just as likely to lose their sexual appetites in middle age – they are just less willing to admit it. “The problem is, men have been raised to understand their sexuality in a different way to women,” she says. “They feel they are expected to want sex all of the time and might feel ashamed to talk about it when their desire drops.”
Dr Jeff Foster, the head of men’s health at Manual, agrees that men feel there is a stigma associated with libido loss. “We often see married men hiding behind their wives’ perimenopause,” he says. “She might have experienced loss of libido for hormonal reasons and he is secretly relieved. But then she gets HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and her desire increases. At which point his own libido issues come into focus. That can often be a hormonal issue too, with many men experiencing a drop in testosterone in middle age.”
Anthony*, 42, has been married to his wife for 16 years, the last 10 of which have been completely sex-free. “Looking back, I don’t think our sex life was ever particularly healthy,” he says. “My wife was very anxious about it due to childhood traumas. In the end, we reached a stage where she didn’t want to do anything at all. I understood her emotional issues and thought we could make the relationship work. I felt as if leaving her over our sex life would be unfair and selfish of me. But, after 10 years, I have started to see things differently and understand that it’s normal for me to have needs and desires. We still love each other but I just can’t see the relationship lasting much longer. If I raise the subject of sex, she says I am pestering her and being unfair.”
Anthony says his wife’s withdrawal made him feel rejected and unattractive. “I beat myself up over it for years, wondering if I was the problem for expecting too much,” he says. “Being in a sexless marriage feels like being dumped – but worse because you have to stay living with the other person, which means you can never get over it.”
Caroline believes that sexless marriages might well be the result of women growing more confident about their own boundaries. “Perhaps when I was younger, I just wanted to please my husband by having sex even when I wasn’t in the mood,” she says. “But just as I have got more confident, society has changed too. Perhaps in the past men could just expect regular sex as a marital obligation. Now they need to understand that they need to be more emotionally engaged.”
Clio Wood says this works both ways: “It’s important for both sides of a marriage to feel valued, respected, confident and appreciated in order for them to have a fulfilling sex life. If you stop taking notice of these important emotional aspects of a marriage, the sex is bound to suffer and possibly stop.”
Caroline says she has a number of female friends who find themselves in a similar situation to her own. “They are married with kids, never have sex with their husband and are perfectly happy to live that way for now. But we all realise that, at some point, the relationship might have to end. Personally, I am waiting for the children to reach an age where I think they could cope with a break-up.”
Yet Simone Bose believes that most sexless marriages can be saved with proper communication. “Most people jump to the conclusion that their partner no longer finds them attractive, which is a very painful feeling,” she says. “But very often there are a number of other practical and emotional reasons that have nothing to do with attractiveness. That’s why it is so important to have the confidence to talk these issues through. If you understand what the problem is and show a willingness to be flexible with each other’s needs, you can rebuild a relationship. If there is love between you, there is always hope.”
After 10 years of navigating a sexless marriage, Anthony agrees that the issue is almost entirely communicative. “You can try to be understanding but I think that, in any sexless relationship, there is always at least one party who is conflict-averse and unwilling to address the issue. That’s why it gets out of hand.”
Bose believes that many couples need to reassess their definition of sex. “Many men think of sex as penetration because that’s what they get the most satisfaction from,” she says. “But other forms of physical intimacy can be just important to women, who often get more pleasure from foreplay. It’s okay to have periods in a relationship where there isn’t ‘full’ sex, as long as there is some regular form of affection.”
Nonetheless, sex in some form or another is fundamental to any successful relationship, insists Clio Wood. “We can talk about emotional support and sharing the load but what really holds a relationship together is sex. Without that, you might just as well be roommates.”
*Names have been changed